Today, I got to teach year one for the first time ever at one of my schools. Despite having been here for over a year, this is the first opportunity I've been given to do so.
Wow, it was so wonderful- I haven't felt this good coming out of a lesson in a while. I did a self introduction complete with pictures and bad Japanese translations, sang B-I-N-G-O with them, and ate school lunch on a table that was way too low whilst sitting on a seat that was way too high.
They were so intrigued by me, it was insanely gorgeous. What's more, for once, they accepted me completely, and not one kid laughed at my Japanese. In fact, when I stuffed up or didn't know a word, they helped me. It was an amazing feeling not to be mocked, or have my attempts to communicate thrown in my face.
At lunch, I promised to play the Japanese version of "Tip" with one of the classes. What a bizarre experience it was walking out into the school yard. For some reason, everywhere I walked kids were calling out my name in glee and greeting me with bright hellos. When I play outside, usually only a couple of kids come up to me. This time I was swamped (mainly by they year ones). So much so my year 5s and 6s stared in awe as I had my little groupies mob me. It was quite hilarious! And, in the corridors, I bumped into a kid who has some behavioral issues and often mucks around in my classes and often is quite rude. He greeted me in English, answered my "how are you?" perfectly and gave me a huge smile. You can't pay to have a greater moment as a teacher.
To add to all this, an English teacher from another school came today to teach my year 5 kids. I had a couple come up to me after and say they missed me teaching them, and couldn't wait for me to teach them again. Rarely do I get to hear such positive feedback directly from the kids. Sure, sometimes they come up to me and say thank you after a lesson, and are sometimes excited to see me in the corridors, but to hear that they actually value my lessons is another thing altogether.
This feeling I'm feeling- that of pure elation- is something I miss. It's something I used to feel when I taught back in Australia that on the whole, I haven't quite been able to recreate here.
It makes me feel incredibly guilty when someone asks me about my job and I say that my heart is just not in it. I have done everything to get that feeling back, but have just come to accept that there will be good moments and bad, and that that's the best I can hope for.
Of course there are many highs in this job! I am very lucky to teach kids who are overall gorgeous, reasonably well behaved and many who are eager to learn. The feeling I get when a student understands something even in part because of me is second to none. The laughs of kids when I am being silly makes me feel like I'm on a cloud. When kids are absolutely bursting to share with me something about themselves, or want me to hear the English words they know, my heart feels like it is bouncing with joy. And of course, I do work with some great teachers who inspire me, and have met many lovely people along the way who encourage me and give me the time of day (because many act like I don't exist).
But, I can't lie and say there's certain things that don't get to me. Like, despite that my job is meant to be that of an assistant, they expect me to do everything without any help. Fair enough if they want to give me responsibility because they're too scared to speak a word of English, but the least I think they can do is keep the class under control, and not distract the kids by cracking irrelevant jokes while I am in the middle of teaching a lesson.
Or, on the flip side, when I'm in a class where the teacher is leading (in junior high school) and the teacher doesn't involve me at all for long stretches of time, so I either have to stand there awkwardly, or just walk around the classroom with the premise of checking to see if the kids are doing their work. I feel useless and like I'm wasting my time when I know I have the potential to do much more. I tell them I want to be more involved, but most of the time it just falls on deaf ears.
However, the main thing that stops me from fully enjoying my job is the monotony of teaching four to five classes, all the same grade, exactly the same non-stimulating thing. "Apple- apple. Pear-pear." Read this sentence, repeat. Again, and again. Only to do it at another school yet again. Arguably, I could just create lessons myself. But there's a textbook we have to stick to, and curriculum goals to reach, and so whilst I do try my best to make the lessons as fun as possible (when I have the power to), with as many games as I can squeeze in, my hands are largely tied.
Moreover, it was just the luck of the draw that I teach at ridiculously big schools. The implication is that whilst I yearn to teach the younger grades, I am stuck in a routine of teaching Year 5 and 6 consecutively, with only one or two chances at most a year to teach the lower grades. I think that this is a huge factor in my job dissatisfaction- I know if my days were more varied I would thrive from the added variety, and feel like I'm stimulated by the different faces I'm teaching.
With only 9 more months to go now, I'm on the home stretch. Everyday I try my best to be positive, bat away the feelings of boredom and waves of frustration. I try to give my all to every class, despite what I'm feeling, because kids deserve a teacher who is happy, motivated and had their learning at the centre of their minds.
I just want to know I'm making a difference. Whether I can get that one kid to understand that grammar point they couldn't wrap their head around til now. Or I can make that one kid who's always messing around in class to pay attention and find the work we're doing stimulating. Or crack some stupid joke and have a couple of kids laugh. Or, see the faces of kids beaming back at me, excited to see me like I'm someone they respect.
I just want to be the teacher I've always aspired to be, but more often than not, I feel like I'm falling short of it. But, days like today are a little reminder that maybe, just maybe, I'm not so bad.
